Negative post

Wow, its been so long since I've really blogged. I don't even know how to start. Too many things that I really want to write down. But yet there are too many things I dare not to. I'd really want to share my problems to the world, have people to comment and give me advice. But ironically I'm afraid to open up myself to the world. I could still remember clearly what a friend had once said, "Don't write all your problems on your blog, it shows your negative sides and people may judge you according to that". I think that's mainly the reason why I hadn't been blogging for the past few months (other than the fact that I'm lazy and busier now).

I know I shouldn't be blogging a negatively sad posts. But I am desperate for a place of refuge. Living in a fast-paced life, I find it difficult to find a true friend and have a heart to heart session... someone I could really trust, someone who is willing to spend time and sit with me for hours, until I am ready to open up to you... Even if friends have the heart to share, time seldom make way. I know, if you're one of my closer friends, maybe you would think, "What is so hard about it? You could always tell me about it". But believe me, words don't come easy for me. And anyway, who likes a sulking face? I strive hard to be the cheerful little girl I once was... with the now smudged 'happy go lucky' motto I carry around.

Its really unhealthy I know. I could feel these negative feelings reflecting on my life. I force a smile every once in a while. I feel fake. I let my temper take lead sometimes at home or when I'm driving (you'd be glad that I'm not tailing your car). I'm getting tired of socializing. I'm becoming more ignorant. I feel older. I feel less confident. Sadly, I feel less motivated at work. I had even thought of going to meet a psychiatrist. But seriously, am I really that sick? RAHH!! *pulls hair* ... Oops! *fixes hair* ... No, I'm not crazy, yet...

I think all I need is a break. A break from everything. A time for me to just relax my mind. Free of stress, free of work, free from peer pressure, free of people, free from problems... free...

However, the more I shy away from people, the more I am saddened by the feeling that I'm beginning to neglect the friendship between us. I'm that self-centred bitch who only have time for herself, that ignores the fact that our friendship needs nurturing as well. Is this where we learn about balancing? Between time for ourselves and time for others? Sadly, time never seem to be enough. Never ever...

hmm...

Well, its time for me to go now, till my next post. Time for me to think about my life and what to do with it. Time for me to stop mourning about the past and strive for a happier future. Thank you all for spending time to read through my rant.... I'm feeling much better now. May you have a beautiful future as well.

Good night.