Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Negative post

Wow, its been so long since I've really blogged. I don't even know how to start. Too many things that I really want to write down. But yet there are too many things I dare not to. I'd really want to share my problems to the world, have people to comment and give me advice. But ironically I'm afraid to open up myself to the world. I could still remember clearly what a friend had once said, "Don't write all your problems on your blog, it shows your negative sides and people may judge you according to that". I think that's mainly the reason why I hadn't been blogging for the past few months (other than the fact that I'm lazy and busier now).

I know I shouldn't be blogging a negatively sad posts. But I am desperate for a place of refuge. Living in a fast-paced life, I find it difficult to find a true friend and have a heart to heart session... someone I could really trust, someone who is willing to spend time and sit with me for hours, until I am ready to open up to you... Even if friends have the heart to share, time seldom make way. I know, if you're one of my closer friends, maybe you would think, "What is so hard about it? You could always tell me about it". But believe me, words don't come easy for me. And anyway, who likes a sulking face? I strive hard to be the cheerful little girl I once was... with the now smudged 'happy go lucky' motto I carry around.

Its really unhealthy I know. I could feel these negative feelings reflecting on my life. I force a smile every once in a while. I feel fake. I let my temper take lead sometimes at home or when I'm driving (you'd be glad that I'm not tailing your car). I'm getting tired of socializing. I'm becoming more ignorant. I feel older. I feel less confident. Sadly, I feel less motivated at work. I had even thought of going to meet a psychiatrist. But seriously, am I really that sick? RAHH!! *pulls hair* ... Oops! *fixes hair* ... No, I'm not crazy, yet...

I think all I need is a break. A break from everything. A time for me to just relax my mind. Free of stress, free of work, free from peer pressure, free of people, free from problems... free...

However, the more I shy away from people, the more I am saddened by the feeling that I'm beginning to neglect the friendship between us. I'm that self-centred bitch who only have time for herself, that ignores the fact that our friendship needs nurturing as well. Is this where we learn about balancing? Between time for ourselves and time for others? Sadly, time never seem to be enough. Never ever...

hmm...

Well, its time for me to go now, till my next post. Time for me to think about my life and what to do with it. Time for me to stop mourning about the past and strive for a happier future. Thank you all for spending time to read through my rant.... I'm feeling much better now. May you have a beautiful future as well.

Good night.

6 Comments:

Blogger Jared's said...

Hey Lady! Thot u had a good break @ Greece?!... anyways, +ve & -ve rantings r all part of life... depending on moods & situations.
Not everyone will run away from people who say negative things, provided itz not all the time though. ;)
Honestly, as we grow older, we either tend to spend less time wif frens or u will only haf time for a few 'chosen' ones, whether friend or family. We've gotta accept this & move on, so choose ur confidants wisely for they will help shape the rest of your life... ;)
Do drop by our place for a chat since we're just nearby when u need someone to hear u out... Loneliness covered by a 'happy-go-lucky' image is very frequent nowadays, thus we talk about Joy in the Lord & not happiness for a moment.
So, invitation is out... awaiting ur buzz if u need to chat up! Catcha around, 'friend'. :D

9:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good Luck :-) Wish you stay cheerful and always smile. When lime makes hard on you, give it twice the hardness and life will smile back. :D lah. Dont worry. Everyone goes thorugh life. And life goes through us. We are just human.. blah. not sure what I am saying. hehe. Just blog more :D tata

12:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Woman (admit it, we're aging!!),

It's alright to bitch and scream out loud. Rest assured, this is very NORMAL for people at our age. Seriously. =)

Your friend is right. Don't reveal too much on your blog. It may do more bad than good.

If there is a REALLY heavy, shitty matter that you need to get off your chest, try email to a few people you trust (bcc if you don't them to know who's on the loop). It's a bit like blogging, broadcasting your rants - only in a much more private way (compared to blogging la!)...

Hope it helps.

Anyway, you can always pull your hair and start screaming, "RAHH..." to me once a while. Just don't do it too often til I also "RAHH..." back in return and ah-dish you lor. *chuckles*

12:51 PM  
Blogger Yian said...

Hey, more often than not, my posts are always depressing. Sometimes, I get ppl asking me why I always blog depressing posts, which is irritating because...duh...I am what I write, so obviously I am depressed.

But other times, it's really encouraging when ppl comment. Most of the time, ppl don't comment on happy posts, but when it's an unhappy post, I get encouraging remarks, advice on the comments, sometimes an SMS or a call....which can be uplifting :)

But everything needs to be balanced lah....

I know I'm also busy with work and now worse, travelling...but I guess I can still be one of the friends that spend the most time with you, since we work together and go to the same gym!!!

So let me know if you just want a chat session, over lunch or something la....

You remember I used to ask you why you almost never share problems, when I always pour my problems on you? I asked that because I wanted to be someone that can do the same you do for me, someone who is there for you, the way you are there for me.

It's not that hard to share your feelings, take your time *hugs* We've shared a bed, food, and so many things together, I'll be glad if we could share our tears and laughter too!

The ultimate cure: SPA! muahahhahahahahhahahahahha....

I think all the things I wrote dun make sense...I can't think straight. Bottom line is....lets go for SPA.

12:49 PM  
Blogger Yian said...

Eh auntie! Not my fault ar....invite you out for lunch....going to park alr...then you gotta go back to work :P you still owe me one for ffk'ing me :P

Anyway, our dream is coming true!! Spa....here we come!!!!

1:22 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

qoJared: hmm.. if only holidays can take away problems and hurts all at one go... Thanks for the advice and offer :) I will keep them in mind.

Himu: heheh... will try to. :)

Eva: Sending emails to a few people about my problems? Hmm... That feels weird. Maybe I'll just bitch around and scream out loud. hehe

Yian: I don't want to blog depressing posts. I don't want my blog to define me that way. I don't want to be the depressed person I am slowly becoming. That's why I strive hard to try to be happy everyday... just to think of a happy thought most of the time. Be positive. Try to forget the painful memories, but sometimes they just keeps coming back. It sucks.

I'm really happy to see so many encouragements coming in even after a bit of ranting. They make me feel that at least someone cared, someone had the same problem before, and someone might be able to help me stand up. Thanks heaps. But I think at the end of the day, I would still need to learn to stand on my own. As of now, I'm still searching for my own strength.

Spa, it was awesome :D

3:09 AM  

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