I hate arguments
There, it happened again. Even after we've broke up, it still happens. Even when we say we will try not to hurt each other ,it still happens.
Why??? Why must we always argue?? I was never a person who would easily argue with someone. My friend was even shocked to hear that I was argueing with someone. But what is it with him? Do we really have so much differences? From communication, background, religion, values, culture, thinking.... do we have nothing in common? Not even fit to be friends? Maybe like what he said, he's so used to having arguments, he doesn't ever seem to see the problem.
Curious about knowing what happened? I'll tell you all about it.
He told me a short romantic story, and the guy said something very sweet to his gf. I told him it was touching but those kind of guys are difficult to find. Then he said something like, girls leave before finding that out.
Do you agree? I don't. So I said, maybe girls didn't get what they wants from their relationship? Why would a girl leave if the guy is really that good? what good if he's sweet only once in a blue moon and not all the time?
Then he said something like, he's been into enough experience to know that relationship is not all about wanting. And after meeting and talking to more girls, he believe that most girls are selfish with what they want.
Am I being too sensitive to be offended with what he said? If its true that most girls are selfish, then are guys not selfish as well? Am I too sensitive to think that he is actually discriminating me? Am i too sensitive to think that he feels that I don't know anything about relationships? innocent kid'o?
I'm tired of all this. Tired of arguments. Tired of ppl making me feel down.
posted by Amanda at 11:15 PM
13 Comments:
no offense Amanda.. But I think girls think way too much.. and are usually way too much serious.. and I do think that girls are more selfish/jealous that guys in general.. but there are execption
Yeah generally girls are more jealous compared to guys... this is because generally, relationships are more important for girls compared to guys isn't it?
And are not some guys selfish/jealous as well? and that doesn't give guys the power to judge.
And when someone tells me that generally most girls are selfish, am I not to think that he is directly talking about me?
agreed :) well. true true. I was just making a general comment.. wasnt saying u are :P I am sure you are a nice person :)
anyway, how is your work going. Seems like awesome. I am happy that it is. I will have to start looking soon... darn.. makes me very anxious and worried.. :P
:) thanx for that.
hehe... work is doing good. Still quite easy since they don't let me touch much considering I'm in a network team. And I'm looking forward to learning more :)
you'll be just fine. I was anxious last time too. Just have confidence in yourself. I know you can do it ;)
Guys = > Rationale.
Girls = > Emotional.
Thatz how we are fashioned i guess. Itz not about the issue of Selfishness bcoz every human being 'jual ikan' anywayz... itz about how we accept & tolerate one another.
Do remember - better Right one than Any one... ;)
guys can be selfish in thr own ways too! but only guys wld better understand how other guys think. i dont think you shld tak comments too personaly. people get defensive if they are insecure about themslves & think that every key word that another person says are a direct attack, but are often not. if a guy said to me that som girls have no idea of how to look after there hair, i wld definitly think that he was talking abt me if i had tangle hair with split ends... i wld giv him the death stare if i was insecure about my looks. but if i dont care about my looks or had opposite feature ie. gorgous hair, i would laugh and agree with his comment. its like if you say to a guy that most guys are blockheads & dont know how to be romantic, if he really wasnt or dont know how to be romantic, he wld take your comment personaly as if you were talking about him, even though you have no idea of how romantic he is.
i think your statement abt what good if he's sweet only once in a blue moon and not all the time, is quite a negtive one, it sounds cold and selfish. if i said anything like that to my current partner he wld probably leave me, even like 'what good are you if you only buy me flowers once in a blue moon, what good are you if you only take me out to expensiv place once in a blue moon'. i would be devistated if he said to me 'what good are you if you only look good once in a blue moon' or 'what good are you if you only cook for me once in a blue moon'. can you imagine someone calling you useless because you didnt do something for them all the time? relationships need a balance, not just abt what you get, if something is lacking, then make up for it. if my partner was sweet & romantic all the time, we wld probably be broke, he wldnt have time to look after the condo, the car, the bills, go exercise, do shoping and look after me in all the other ways. if i was doing something wrong or was bitchy to him during my PMS, do you think he wld still be sweet and romantic... we wld probably start arguing. i'm starting to also see that what girls call arguments are just rational debate to guys. when we think that 2 guys are arguing abt which is the better car or which computer game charactor is the best, they are actually just having rational debates... in the end, they are still the best of friends even if they hav different beliefs.
men are simple creatures and i think they are mostly right in saying that girls are generaly more jealous and selfish, & think too much when things are straigt forward. dont feel put down too often, it could be that people are just trying to help & give you advice. there are two kinds of people when it comes to giving advice... those that care and those that dont. simple example is if parents or loved ones nag/advise you abt the things you are doing wrong or can improve on. they arent doing this to put you down, they love you and want you to grow stronger. but on the other hand, if someone didnt care about u... they wldnt nag you or advise you if they see you were doing something wrong, they wld just let you continue with your mistakes and weaknesses and let you suffer.
God brings people into our lives for reasons we may not understand. Any one can be the Right one. if you happen to meet someone, then they are no longer just Any one.
i agree with you, anonymous, care to tell us who you are? :)
however, i think what amanda meant by "what good if he's sweet only once in a blue moon and not all the time?" is that maybe that guy is only sweet sometimes, when he has done something wrong, or when he feels like it, and at other times, he is rude, or gets angry easily, impatient, saying hurtful comments or picking fights and arguments....
I guess what she means is that she wants a guy who is consistent. Everyone is entitled to moodiness and mood swings, but the guy should learn to control his anger and his words...and not take it out on his gf....
But, if what i intepret is correct, then amanda should have used the words "What good if he's....", because that alone already puts down a person, without giving him a chance. I totally agree with your explaination about that.
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sorry, i think i used "should" when i meant "shouldn't" in the last paragraph..
Okay.... so yes. I am selfish, at least in thinking about myself most time of the day. Who doesn't? So talk about insecurity. While I am insecure about whether people think I'm being selfish or not, should or should I not take his comment seriously? Should I think that he's talking directly about me or not? Well, what came 1st to my mind was, yes, he was. And anyway, I wasn't in front of him. Instead I was chatting with him online, so I couldn't pass my death look to him, and therefore, got into argument.
Well, 'sweet' was just an example I gave... but maybe I used the wrong example to describe how I felt. I meant what good if he can't give me what I want? Basic respect, feeling important, feel that she is worth it. Like if a girl wants a sweet guy, but her bf is sweet at one time and forgets her at other times? Here, Yian got my point right. And if you watch Wah Lai Toi at 8.30pm, why did you think Nick got dumped?
Well, I hope when people want to help & give advice to me, don't beat around the bush. Its confusing and frustrating. Just tell me to the point that I'm selfish and tell me where did I go wrong. Not by saying most girls are this and that.
Anyway I'm ever so confused...
I think I need a mentor.
Oi, your mentor/shepherd is Eng Kok, right? Feel free to use/ask him stuff whenever you want hehehehe :)
Couples that are under God's covering are not supposed to be unequally yoked anyway :)
I think when you say "those kind of guys very difficult to find", he thought you were hinting that you have not found that guy, and that guy is not him. So he was hurt.
Then he said "most girls are selfish", u probably tot he hinting about you......and you got sensitive lor....
That's the problem.
hi, we may or may not hav passed glances at food places or shoping centres before, but who i am is not important. i might say hello if i ever see you's around. i am here because 'arguments' caught my eye. i hav lost some good friends and relationships in the past because of arguments. this will be a long post and maybe my last for now, i was like you once, maybe my insight will be of use to you.
yian you sound like you know the guy quite well, since i wldnt hav arrived with your views abt him when we were only on the subject of girls and selfishness and guys being sweet once in a blu moon. unless i hav known a person for a solid 1-2yrs, like meeting weekly and perhaps lived together, i wld be reluctant to percieve them by what someone else tells me, especialy about arguments and ex's as it is usualy biased. we all tend to act like victims when we aproach others for suport and reassurance. just by your short posts here, he appears to be a rude, angry and bad guy. do your friends, parents and his friends think so too? i dont mean from what they hav heard or rumors, but from what they hav encountered face to face. just remember actions speak louder than words. he might hav got angry and said some inconsidrate words, but maybe he had reason to. i know lots of nice people who sometimes say harsh things in certain situations but are really nice, genuine, helpful people. and other times you get those who just know how to sweet talk, look smart and handsome, talk like they are saviours of the world and agree with everything you say, yet through thr actions they are stingey and selfish, the last to offer to pay for a bill, dont wash up or cook for people, too busy to help you move out, ask for more favors than they give. i wld not even begin to speculate what amanda's ex is like, especialy when i havnt met him, and i sure wldnt judge him by what is said here, especialy when he's not here to defend himself and give his side of the story.
i think views abt someone can be very damaging to both sides if they are misintepreted. whats rude to one personality group might be perfectly normal to another group, whats anger to one group might be mild to another. its like if you were walking on the streets in korea, people wld shoulder you and push and shove when walking past you, if that was done in mysia or a western country, it wld be considered rude and an invitation for a fight, but its normal to be like that for koreans. in every relationship there will be fights, arguments or debates depending on how you class things, couples will lose their cool, get upset and angry, blame each other. but it wldnt be fair to tell your friends that your partner is rude, angry, arogant, stuborn, inconsiderate, hurtful and moody. these things mostly occur in the heat of an argument. dont we all show these signs as well when we are upset, stressed or misunderstood? if there are problems, the first place to look is within ourselves before we judge and criticise others. the world is our mirror, we tend to see our own faults more easily in others.
amanda, to be honest and frank, through your writing you come out as quite a defensive person and can be very sharp with your words. you are also somewhat hypocritical and contradictory. you seem to be taking your anger out on him through this post saying 'why must we argue?' and pointing the finger at him 'what is it with him?' you say you were never a person to argue with someone so easily, yet your first reply to true virgo smells very much like an argument, and if he didnt back off, you wld hav continued. you get upset when your ex generalised about girls being selfish, yet when 'true virgo' said the same thing and more, you agreed with virgo. maybe you are inconsistent with who you argue against. then you started being defensive, biting (what yian calls picking fights) and arguing back, generalising that guys can be selfish as well and they hav no right to judge. dont you sense in yourself what yian said abt the guy 'saying hurtful comments, moody, gets angry easily, picking fights and arguments, not controling anger and words, inconsistent, taking it out on someone'
you say you need basic respect, to feel important, to feel like you are worth it. did you give him the same level of respect, importance and worthiness? you probably didnt if you thought he was the problem and through the way you portray him here. feeling important, respected and selfworth are from within, if you dont give yourself and others that first, how will others see it in you. make someone feel important and you will be important to them, give someone respect and they will respect you, do something worthwhile for them and they will know your worth.
you seem to seek reassurance for your views quite a bit in your blogs. in particular, why are you asking others 'should or should you not take his comment seriously?' having people agree with you doesnt make you right. its not abt them or who ever made the comment, everyone has different opinions. the problem lies within ourselves and how we relate to others and the world in general. when true virgo said girls think way too much, way too serious, are more selfish/jealous, and when jared said girls are emotional, did you take thr comments seriously? shld i take thr comments seriously too? what offends you is your own problem and what offends me is my own problem, not the people who say them. if i was too serious and too sensitive then i probably might be offended. if you say to someone who is fat and pimply 'i like to eat healthy and not too much chocolate', then that person might be offended, but if they werent so sensitive about themselves, then they wont be offended. so if you are offended by generalisations that your ex and 'true virgo' made, is it thr fault that you are offended? if you werent so sensitive about selfishness, you probably wldnt care so much about thr comment, then wld they still be at fault? its like if my partner said to me 'a lot of asian girls are getting snobbier and pickier' i wld be deeply offended if i was picky and snobby, but if i was easy going and friendly then i wldnt care so much about his comment. either way it was just a comment or a generalisation and whether it was serious or not, depended on me. what your ex said abt 'girls are generally selfish' wld be considered very mild compared to someone saying to me 'asian girls are getting snobbier and picky'. the first is just a generalisation of male vs female behaviour, which they are mostly correct in that view and it becomes more of a perception of the human race than a judgement on women. but the second is more directed at asian women which may or may not be correct.
you say that 'sweet' was just an example and maybe it wasnt the right example to use, but you then use it again as an example soon after. maybe you do hav an issue if someone wasnt sweet all the time. but the problem could be that your idea of sweet is somewhat unrealistic. i've never met a guy who is sweet all the time, not even most of the time... if someone was sweet most of the time, or at your feet and at your command, or agreed to everything you say and treated you like a queen, then something could be wrong, he could be what we term weak or desparate. what makes you think a guy wld treat a girl sweetly all the time? i can think of a few reasons, 1. he is on a reality show and wants to win and she has the power of a vote, 2. in a novel or movie where they only show nice and romantic parts, 3. you are a super nice and perfect girl yourself, or 4. you are a gorgous billionaire like paris hilton. to me, sweet wld be someone making dinner for me and my parents, take me to places once in a while, buy me flowers, clothes and jewellery once in a while, checking that im safe, kissing me goodnight, waking up to a kiss, doing things for me that i dont like doing or cant do myself, giving me breakfast in bed when i'm sick, helping others in need, treating others. but i cant expect all that from a guy if i myself wasnt nice to him, neglect him, didnt care about his well being, disrespect him, or didnt deserve that treatment since i never did anything back for him. i do not expect him to buy me things all the time, cook for me all the time or take me out all the time. are 'we' sweet all the time? are we obedient and consistent all the time? are we perfect?. sometimes you hav to ask yourself what you hav done for others before you ask what others can do for you. were you so sweet to him that you deserved 100% sweetness back? you can watch Wah Lai Toi all you like and follow their reasoning and standards, but are you them? not everyone thinks like them. not everyone behaves like them in reality.
i apologise if i sound onesided, but you'll see why soon.
one of the biggest lessons in my first relationships was about respect. one of the main points in respecting someone in a relationship means to keep problems between yourselves. you can ask for advice from experienced and trusted friends but if you dont respect your partners privacy, or speak badly about their reputation, then you are disrepecting them. off course if your partner is hitting you or stealing from you or doing something that is putting your life at risk, then you shld report it. but there shld be a mutual respect that whatever differences you hav in a relationship stays in the relationship. say if jennifer aniston thinks brad pitt has a snoring problem or has a bad temper in the mornings and they argue about it all the time, do you think it would be nice of her to disclose that to her friends and the public? what if brad pitt told the public that jennifer is lazy with using pads during her periods and the bed gets stains. the point is, there shld be a mutual respect and if you are going to disclose anything about your relationship to anyone, you shld respect your partners privacy and also not portray them negatively. if things dont work out, who's to say who's right or wrong?
i made that mistake with someone a while ago. looking back at it now, he was a nice and great guy and it was my fault. we had a small circle of friends. i was only just average looking. i was so glad that he liked me, he was kind, well liked and respected among our friends, looked after me well, our relationship went pretty nicely, we had our differences and arguments but we always made up. he did more for me than i did for him. i acted like a nice girl when we first got together, as most girls usually do when we meet someone. i started to take him for granted. sometimes testing the limit of his love. then one day we had a silly argument about whether we shld use paper plates or real plates for dinner. he said to save the paper plates for special times when we wld need them, but i didnt want to deal with real plates that night because it was late already and i felt tired and lazy to wash up afterwards. then he said dont worry, he'll do the washing, and i started going on about why he never agrees with what i want to do (which was only my perception since, looking back, he has agreed and let me do a lot of things) so then he started saying 'how about all the times i let you do this and that' and i said 'how about the times when you didnt' and as you can picture, once you bite back and start going into a frame of mind, no matter how correct the other person is, you will never agree to their point of view. being so naive at that time, i thought we wld hav made up again. but i think he had enough of my ways and needed a break. we broke up and stayed friends. i went to my girlfriends for support, gave them my side of the story, told them how he was so mean and inconsiderate towards me, always telling me what to do and not understanding what i want, plus other negative things. some of my friends believed me and viewed the guy badly. then one day the word got around to him and some of our mutual friends. one of those friends asked me why i said those, she said a lot of people didnt think of him that way, she told me that he spoke highly of me when we were still together and also after we broke up. he told them i was a gentle and sweet girl even when a lot of times i wasnt, he never disclosed to any of his friends my tantrums, my bad habits, my bad moods and mean words. i started to cry, realised what i hav done and what i hav lost. guys respect us in a lot of ways we dont understand. the guys that dont hav respect are the ones that come over just to hav fun, dont offer to help me or my parents with things, speaks badly about me in public saying dont be with her because she is this and that or her parents are this and that. i realised that even when we were together i complained to my friends about him, yet he never spoke of me like that to his friends. he was kind and considerate and never disrespected me in public. i think i was expecting too much from him when i didnt give him much in return.
i'm not the same naive girl anymore since that time. I learnt to respect others, not to take things for granted, to look at my own faults before i complained about others. not to judge someone by just the arguments we hav. afterall, arguments are just debates or words about a particular issue, our views on that issue change as we grow and understand others and the world better. you hav to look at the person as a whole, all the things they hav done for you, for others, for themselves. there is so much to a charactor that we may not understand. who are we to judge our partners, our friends partners or anyone by just a fraction of what we see or hear. the fact that you posted this abt him on public domain shows the amount of respect you have for him. it is like a manager disrepecting his worker by publicly criticizing him infront of all the other employees instead of in a private conversation. even if he had said some harsh words to you in private, if he didnt say it in front of your friends or his friends means he is showing you respect. didnt you also say harsh words to him during arguments? you and yian shld take caution in portraying someone negatively in public, it doesnt necessarily put you in the light, it could instead show your own faults and negative natures rather than his.
Dear Anonymous,
I cried while reading your comment. Because I never thought of myself as a defensive person, very sharp with my words, hypocrit, contradictory, points finger, says hurtful comments, moody, gets angry easily, picking fights and arguments, not controling anger and words, inconsistent, taking it out on someone and other things. But I thank you because I felt that friends don't tell me these things... and I think maybe its because they don't want to spoil the friendship. I've always thought that by having my own point of view with my own reasoning, I am right. Unless someone gives me a good-enough reason to say I'm wrong. When they don't, I argue back. And some friends tell me that I'm stubborn.
Yes, I know that there are nice, genuine, helpful people that says harsh things in vertain situations. My ex is one nice, genuine, helpful person. But those words hurts me, and that's a fact. Or maybe I just didn't perceive it the way he wanted me to. When people say 'most girls are selfish' or 'asian girls are getting snobbier and picky', I would somewhat be offended because I felt that because I'm a girl and an asian, I'm in that group as well.
And when I asked questions like 'should or should I not take his comment seriously?', its not that I needed reassurance. I just needed to know whether I've done something wrong. I just wanted to know how others would react if they were in my shoes.
Anyway I thank you for your story. You made me understand why you say the things you said. And I truly regret the bad things I wrote or have indirectly implied about him. I've learnt my lesson. I hope we have chance to get to know each other better. Till then, take care.
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